My husband and I have recently embarked on a journey that is extremely personal to us. We have officially become licensed foster parents. We have been eagerly awaiting our first placement and although we are filled with nervousness, we are excited to help make a difference in a child’s life.
When you first make the decision to become foster parents, you are met with a barrage of questions from both the agency and from family and friends. The most important question you will be asked is, “Why do you want to be a foster parent?”
This is a loaded question. It’s a deeply personal question. There is no right or wrong answer. There’s the obvious reply, “I want to serve my community. I want to help a child in need. I want to adopt a child who needs a permanent home. I want to make a difference.” These are all the well-meaning replies and they are true but beneath the surface, there are often times deeper reasons.
My husband and I are becoming foster parents because the system so horribly failed him. Those closest to us, who know my husband’s story, have a hard time understanding why we would willingly journey down a road fraught with heartbreak and corruption, to follow the same path that left him and his siblings abandoned.
I know that sounds insane. To happily enter into an organization that failed. A system that placed him into the homes of people looking for a paycheck, of abusers both physically and emotionally. However there was one family, one loving, kind family that made the difference. That difference was a matter of life and death. We are journeying into the belly of the very beast we detest so that we can be that one family. Here a few statistics I gathered from Voices for Children at speakupnow.org.
- Each year, more than 400,000 children experience foster care in the United States.
- 50% will never graduate or obtain a GED.
- 25% of foster children experience PTSD (comparable to the rate of the U.S. war veterans), and tend to suffer high rates of debilitating depression and low self-esteem.
- After “aging out” of the system, 25% of foster teens will experience homelessness at least once.
I would honestly love to take these statistics and shove them right down the throats of all the adults who failed my husband and his siblings. It’s also one of the driving factors that force me to confront foster care head on.
My husband was four, when he was taken away from his biological parents. His brother was three. His sister was just a toddler. They lived in a world of neglect. They spent days on end locked in a room, on a filthy floor, with urine stained bedding, wondering where their next meal would come from, as their biological parents abused drugs.
When the court system intervened and took them away, they were placed in their first foster home. When children first enter into foster care they are in a permanent state of fight or flight mode. Their ability to articulate emotions is essentially non-existent. This first home, was just looking for paycheck. They had no desire to rehabilitate or to lend a comforting arm. From the moment they arrived, the husband, an overweight man was determined to whip them right into shape. The rules were hammered out, they were placed in bunk beds with a room full of other foster children and they were told they had to call their foster parents mom and dad (as if that’s not confusing enough to a young child taken away from their parents who has underwent trauma).
The man, this fat creep, let my husband and his siblings know he wasn’t one to mess with. That first night, he sat the kids down, strapped on a UFC belt to prove his dominance over them. Can you imagine doing something like that to three small children? Three small children who were ripped away from one abusive home and placed in the arms of a man who is being paid by the state to take care of traumatized children. My mind struggles to comprehend how a disgusting despot like that man passed a background check and home study. I wish I knew his name. I would happily pay him a visit.
They were moved homes only a short time later. This second home, the wife, who they once again had to call mom, ran a home daycare on top of fostering children. During the day, they were left unattended in a basement full of children. The older foster kids had started a childhood fight club and all the children would be forced to stand in a ring. They would choose a child to push into the middle and that child would have to fight with the ring leader, a boy of six. My husband was pushed in the middle. He tried not to fight but the older boy hit him. Fight mode kicked in and with all the might and anger in his tiny four-year-old body, he slammed the boy against a wall.
They were moved again.
Once again, I’m left in a state of utter confusion. How could the system not have seen this house was a money-making situation of neglect? Who in their right mind would leave a group of children who they are paid to look after in a basement without supervision? Once again, I’d love to give that woman a piece of my mind.
Their third and last foster home, was the home that made all the difference in their lives. They were greeted with love, comfort and acceptance. This family worked to rehabilitate them, to teach them about love and they brought them to church in a loving, happy environment. They taught them to trust adults. Unfortunately, this family could not adopt them. When the court system terminated my husband’s biological parent’s rights they were adopted out.
This is where the court systems lack of judgement truly failed. My husband and his siblings, victims of trauma were placed in the care of a middle aged couple who were emotionally and physically abusive. They also suffered from both gambling and alcohol addictions. The foster care system that was so overloaded with parentless children was willing to give away these little souls to any couple who could pass a basic background check.
My husband and his sibling were a paycheck. Not a dime of the money the state paid them ever went back to them. It funded a fishing boat, a motor home and eating out. They were raised under the guise of strict religious fanaticism meanwhile enduring emotional and financial abuse. They were moved from town to town, trailer to trailer and dragged from church to church. They were homeschooled in complete isolation and punished if they did not bring in A’s. They were beat emotionally with words from the bible and whipped with belts for the slightest infraction, such as not turning out a light when they left the room
For two years, my husband and his siblings slept on the floor of a travel trailer. They weren’t even allowed to use the bathroom or bathing facilities in the trailer. They were forced to use filthy campground bathrooms for two entire years. Where was the court system? Where were the social workers? These are valid questions! Once an adoption is finalized, there are no more visits from social workers or check-ins. That’s it!
I have read over the copy of his adoptive parent’s biography they submitted for their home study. It’s laughable because it’s mostly all lies. Even more frightening was a paragraph they wrote about being willing to adopt a medically fragile child. I shudder over the thought. I have also read correspondence between his adoptive mom and biological grandmother. Inflated stories of lies, of happy birthdays with presents, sugar-coated and painting a picture of the beauty of their adoption. It’s so sad! It’s despicable and the court system bought into their lies.
Eventually my husband and his sibling were completely abandoned. My husband joined the military and from there, he has succeeded in every aspect of his life, vowing to not become a statistic. We have a successful life and a wonderful marriage. We have two happy children. So, once again, you might ask, “Why would you even consider becoming foster parents? You have a great life and happy kids so why?”
Another way to phrase our answer would be, “We would do anything to prevent a child from experiencing a complete and utter failure of a broken system.”
Through my training, I have learned that our foster care system has changed for the better. This isn’t the late eighties and early nineties. We have wonderful resources available and a greater understanding of the psychology behind children who have experienced trauma. We understand what we are up against and we invite it!
If good people don’t take action then nothing will change!
We want to be that home, that one foster family, who can make the difference, even if it’s just for a night or a day or a lifetime.
