Breastfeeding has somehow become a hot issue in today’s society. Social media has done a great job of bringing to light the issues women face in the breastfeeding department. I’m thankful for it because without social media, I may not have survived all the comments and judgement I received from both breastfeeding and bottle feeding. Fortunately, I’m able to get a good laugh out of most of them.
When I first became pregnant, I didn’t realize just how controversial breastfeeding could become. I didn’t realize that how one chooses to feed their baby is an area that is both sensitive, judgmental and can be full of flawed logic.
I was raised with the belief that breast is best. So, naturally, when I became pregnant with my first, I was going to breastfeed. In my mind, I was going to be an incredible force of female power that could both hold down a career and breastfeed at the same time!
Slowly as my pregnancy progressed, the comments, mostly from older women, came trickling in. For the sake of this blog post, I’m simply going to list all the unsolicited comments I received.
“In my day no one breastfed! Formula was the recommended choice.”
“Breastfeeding is really just about the mother. If you breastfeed past six months, you are honestly just doing it for yourself. It’s a mommy problem!”
“How on earth are you going to work and pump? That’s not going to work. You girls now days think you can do everything. Why can’t you stay at home? Doesn’t your husband have a job?”
“I tried to breastfeed but back in my day, there was no help. The nurses were so cold and unhelpful. I hope you have an easier time than I did.” The older woman than proceeded to cry! What a way to make it about yourself!
“Don’t get an epidural. You can’t control how hard you push and you’ll end up with a prolapsed uterus. Breastfeeding will give you saggy boobs. I wish someone would have warned me!”
“Don’t have a natural delivery. You’ll end up with a prolapsed uterus and breastfeeding will give you saggy boobs.”
“Don’t get your hopes up, I tried to breastfeed and for most women it’s just impossible.”
“If you do breastfeed, make sure you cover up and do it in private. It’s really inappropriate for a woman to be breastfeeding in public. They just do it for the attention and those cover ups don’t work either. Just plan your day around breastfeeding so you can do it at home.”
“Bare it all when you breastfeed! Remove the stigma. You have a right to breastfeed wherever you wish to. Make a statement!”
In the end after a long and difficult delivery, I wasn’t able to breastfeed for more than a few weeks. I tried to pump for another two weeks but my milk dried up. I realized within the first few days of my daughter’s life, that her difficulty in latching was leaving her hungry. I’m a firm believer now that fed is best.
I did feel some shame. My emotions over not being able to breastfeed were raw and I felt as if all of those women and their unhelpful advice had somehow fulfilled my worst fear. Then…the unhelpful and sometimes well-meaning comments regarding formula feeding came rolling in.
“I thought you were going to breastfeed? Why aren’t you breastfeeding? It was too difficult wasn’t it? Can’t say I didn’t warn you!”
“Formula is really not healthy. There are ways to get your milk back? Have you thought about that?”
“What brand of formula are you using? I’m going to do some research for you because I feel uncomfortable with the brand you’re using.”
“Did you check to see if your formula has been recalled? Did you thoroughly read the label and google each ingredient?”
“Your child is going to suffer from ear infections.”
“At least now you’ll get to sleep.”
“Women with smaller boobs have a difficult time. Don’t feel bad!”
“I’m glad you’re not going to be one of those women who gets pleasure out of breastfeeding. Remember, breastfeeding is really just about the mom!”
“Breast is best. If you had just tried harder….”
Oh boy! I can’t make this stuff up. Did I mention there is a reason why I’m an introvert?
When my second child was born and I became a stay-at-home mom, I was determined to try again but I decided to not allow myself to get overly emotional about it. Within fifteen minutes of giving birth, despite what the nurses told me, despite what the pediatrician had told me, my youngest daughter was nursing away without any problems.
I went against the grain and all the advice I had read. I decided to let my daughter nurse on demand because honestly, it just worked for us. I couldn’t abide by a schedule or a timer like some moms do. I found that to be more stressful and time consuming. When people talked to me about the horrors of cluster feeding, I educated myself and made that time for her. I became a successful breastfeeding mom and I jokingly dubbed myself, “The hippy mom,” because I nursed wherever and whenever.
And the comments came rolling in.
“If you want to breastfeed, please use my bedroom. No one should see you there!”
“Make sure you always cover up because there are perverts out there!”
“This really is all about you, isn’t it?”
“Ummm…how long are you planning on doing that because I can’t stand moms who breastfeed their toddlers.”
“You are going to make that child completely dependent on you!”
“You shouldn’t let that child use you as a pacifier!”
“Breastfeeding is just a trend. Twenty years from now everyone will be back to using formula.”
And my personal favorite. “I’d love to see that babies face but she’s always on the tit!”
I think we all need to stop with the judgmental opinions, the unscientific advice, the psychobabble and the statements. Feed your baby how best you see fit! If you have a problem with a woman breastfeeding in pubic then look away. If you have a problem with a woman bottle feeding her baby, reserve your judgement. Maybe there is more to the story.
I was honored with the experience of doing both, bottle feeding and breastfeeding. Both of my daughters are healthy and smart. Neither of them suffered from illnesses or excessive ear infections. Neither of them have strange attachment issues.
Let’s all agree that when it comes to unsolicited advice, if it isn’t kind or helpful, then please don’t say it!
