As parents of toddlers, we are programmed to be in this natural state of survival mode. As moms we survived labor and delivery, we’ve dealt with breastfeeding, bottle-feeding, up all nights, sleep deprivation, colic, ear infections and diaper blow outs. We’ve cleaned up messes we thought were humanly impossible and we somehow adjust to this strange lack of sleep that seems inadequate for sustaining life.
Many of us went back to work after maternity leave was over and once again, you adjust to this new, crazy stimulus of balancing work and motherhood. You are constantly running late, rushing here and there, to get your child to daycare or to the nanny. You are so busy feeding your child that you forget to feed yourself. You miss meetings and have to call in sick due to illnesses. We’ve all had our breaking point in this tireless cycle of life. I remember mine clearly.
I went back to work after my first daughter was born. We handled the transition as best we could, thankful that my Aunt was able to care for her. I was blessed with lots of help and a freezer full of meals. Eventually though, things got tougher. When my daughter was about eight-months-old, my husband decided to change careers. He started working two jobs and going to school full time in the evenings. We were both lacking sleep but our daughter thankfully, was an easy child.
Still though, with all the help and all the determination, I felt myself slipping from the lack of sleep and stress. I hated my job more than ever and sometimes I would fall asleep with my daughter tucked in beside me on the couch, unable to continue on. Most days I was so busy, I skipped breakfast.
I always put a smile on my face, trudging forward, enjoying every moment of motherhood but still feeling this incredible weight of burden on my shoulders. Then the moment happened…the moment I snapped!
I developed a nasty bladder infection on my way home from work. This was the last thing I needed. I was working evenings and by the time I arrived home the urgent care clinic was closed. I tried to wait it out but finally at around two in the morning, we raced to the ER.
I have never felt more awful in all my life. Once inside, I was quickly brought to a room for a potential kidney infection. As I waited on the results, with my little daughter running down the ER hallway in footed pajamas, enjoying this late night adventure, I saw a chance…a chance for a break, a small respite from my day to day life.
In a neurotic moment of sleep deprivation, I decided that I was going to be admitted. I saw a bed, a beautiful chance to sleep. I saw breakfast in that bed, food…actual food that I wouldn’t have to cook myself. I saw pain medications and nurses waiting on me hand and foot. Doctors hovering over me, concerned for my welfare and actually listening to what I had to say. I saw a short two night vacation away from my life. I saw a five-star hotel!
I crawled into that bed in the deserted ER and it honestly felt like heaven. I wasn’t worried about my daughter, my husband could take care of her. My family was just a call away. I quickly made plans. I called my brother and he came to pick her up, taking her home. My husband held my hand as we waited and then I tell him, “Honey, I’m going to be admitted. I’m in so much pain. I just need to sleep.”
He looks at me strangely and then says. “Do you have any idea how much that is going to cost and all because you want to sleep?”
“That’s what insurance is for.” I mumble out in a heaven like trance.
“Insurance will only cover a small portion. You’re not going to be admitted for a bladder infection!”
“I know something is wrong.” I tell him. “I know it’s a kidney infection.”
He shakes his head and we continue to wait. I’m drifting off to the smell of disinfectant, when the doctor comes in. He starts the examination. He presses on my stomach and kidneys.
“Does this hurt?” He asks me.
I truly wanted to say yes. There was a part of me that was actually considering lying. So, I sort of tell a half-truth. “It hurts just a little but honestly I’m so tired, every part of my body hurts.”
“Well, good news, you just have acute cystitis.” He tells me.
We go home. I’m so disappointed. I’m still in pain. I’m still sleep deprived and hungry. Now, I have to make the dreaded call to my boss and let him know I need to miss work. Life slowly rolls into the next week. I’m all healed, my head is much clearer and I receive my expensive hospital bill. That’s when it dawns on me, just how crazy my plan to be admitted was! I was willing to pay thousands of dollars to sleep at a hospital! I had equated stale hospital food to room service at a hotel!
Yes, for a night, I went a little crazy. The ironic part about that story is, a year and a half later, when I gave birth to my second child, I made sure my hospital stay was less than twenty-four hours. I didn’t want to get charged for a second night but I did enjoy breakfast in bed! I used to look back on that ER visit and feel guilty about it. Now, I just laugh at the memory. It’s just another moment in my crazy-family life.
