After dropping my daughters off for school this morning, I know you saw me watching you. I was sitting in my car, budgeting my grocery list and making a game plan of how to tackle my list of errands, when our eyes met. I looked away quickly, hoping you didn’t notice…but I want you to know that I see you.
I’m not a stalker, some weirdo parent who stares at people, I‘m not judging you or preparing to give you advice on how you installed your car seat nor do I care if your child’s hair is brushed or not. I was watching you because there is a small part of me that envies you.
Your children are little. I watched you drop your kindergartner off. I watched her hug you tightly around the waist and tell you she loved you. I watched you cradle your toddler to your chest while managing to balance your purse with your other arm. I noticed his cute little boots, his chubby cheeks and the knitted hat on his head. I thought you were amazing and I just want you to know that I see you.
I was there only a few years ago. I was a young mom with a daughter just starting school and a toddler clinging to my neck. Every morning was a constant struggle of preparing breakfast and lunch, potty training, getting dressed and hauling my babies to school. I would say goodbye to my oldest daughter with mixed emotions. She would wrap her strong little arms around me and proudly walk to her classroom line.
I would stand there, watching her go with the weight of my toddler’s chubby little arms around my neck. I would be filled with excitement and also fear. Would she be bullied? Would she be safe? Would the other kids include her in their games? Would she be overwhelmed in such a big new world?
I would clutch my toddler to my chest, breathing in her scent and feel emotionally exhausted. Within that exhaustion was undeniable happiness. Letting go was hard but knowing that I still had a younger one at home with me, fulfilled that aching need.
I would wonder if I’m the only parent who says a silent prayer with every school drop off. I would wonder if I’m the only parent who’s exhausted and emotionally spent. I would wonder if I’m doing this parenting thing right. Are the other parents who seem to have it all together, judging me?
I would observe the parents of older children and marvel at how awesome they were at parenting. Their children would appear so well put together, with clean shoes, hair neatly tied back and perfectly packed lunch boxes. I would dream of the day I could be like them. Well…now I’ve arrived and that’s why I was watching you.
I survived those early years and although I don’t feel as if I ever took a moment of it for granted, I miss it. I’m proud of my children. I take pride in the beautiful little souls who I carried each for nine months. I’m proud of the way we effortlessly make it to school on time…most days.
I was watching you because I’m mourning for those years I can’t get back. This is my oldest daughters last year at the primary school and sometimes it makes me really sad. It fills me with deeper fears than I ever thought was imaginable. Having a kindergartner and a toddler was relatively simple compared to what I face now although I know you probably wouldn’t believe me if I told you.
I hope you aren’t putting yourself down or comparing yourself to what you think the more seasoned parents are doing. I hope you don’t feel intimidated like I did. I hope you’re treasuring every moment because trust me…in a blink of an eye those early years are gone so fast. I hope you don’t let the exhaustion wear you down.
I was watching you because I’m impressed by you. In your young face, I saw the anxiety but I also saw the love reflecting in your eyes. I find the stage of life you’re in absolutely beautiful. I want you to know that I think you’re doing a wonderful job!
I know I should have introduced myself instead of staring at you like a lunatic. You were probably wondering who I was or if I took issue with something you were doing. I probably made you paranoid which wasn’t my intention or maybe, hopefully, you didn’t notice me at all.
Regardless, I just want you to know that I see you. When you look around and observe parents of older kids, wishing you could be like them, just know that we feel the same way about you. As proud as we are of our children, we have moments, like I did this morning, where we wish we could go back.
So, to the mom in the school parking lot… I see you and I think you’re amazing!
